I am a jack-of-all-trades, master of none, though I would prefer to be called a Renaissance Woman. (I suspect I am lacking some of the necessary ingredients to be that.) I can play the piano, but I’m no concert pianist. I write, yet, no Pulitzer Prize. I sing, but have I ever won an audition in my life? Uh, no.
I taught myself to knit, cross-stitch, scrapbook photographs, sew, bake a souffle, and take photographs without a flash. I’m good at a lot of things, mostly because I had the good fortune of growing up with a father who taught me that if you can read, you can do anything. I can read, so I can do stuff.
Yet, I’m not the Best in the World at anything, much to the chagrin of my formerly yearning-to-be-perfect-heart. (Because if you aren’t the Best in the World, what point is there in going on? says the perfectionist in my head just before I stuff a sock in her mouth.)
But I am an expert in the art of gaining weight. And so, without further ado, I offer you these handy-dandy weight-gain tips. Feel free to post them on your fridge and print them on a t-shirt.
1) Eat fast-food in the car. Be sure to get the extra-large whatever, because it makes better fiscal sense to spend an extra fifty cents for an extra two thousand calories. Always order fries or the fried side-dish of your choice.
2) Never pass up an opportunity to purchase holiday candy during after-holiday sales. If you pace yourself, your Halloween candy will last until Christmas candy goes on sale. Then, you just have to buy enough (on clearance, because who doesn’t like a bargain?) to last until Easter. Eat it without really paying attention, though, because it tastes better that way.
3) By all means, don’t do what she does. She lost over a hundred pounds by joining and following Weight Watchers on-line. Did I mention she runs marathons now? Do not put on sneakers and do not run. I’m warning you! Sit down! Now! Feet up!
4) When you feels miserable and maybe just a little bloated, repeat after me: “I am a miserable failure. Where is something salty to eat?” Then find some potato chips and eat them straight out of the bag.
5) When you’re feeling down (or when you’re feeling jubilant) go to a movie. At the snack-bar, order a large popcorn and Diet Coke. (I know everyone kids, but Diet Coke negates the popcorn calories. Really. I read that somewhere.) Never deviate from this order, unless, of course, you add a bag of Pop’ables or Almond M&Ms.
6) Have Chinese food for dinner. Get something high in fat, like Cashew Chicken. Eat it until you can’t move, then save the rest for lunch the next day, only eat it as a bedtime snack.
7) Bake brownies. I have the best recipe in the world, I kid you not. Always be sure to lick the batter, then cut them into gigantic squares. Only eat one! (Okay, eat the rest of the pan after the kids go to bed and the next day, when they say, “Where are the brownies?” say, “What brownies?” Look puzzled.)
Don’t like brownies? (Huh? Then we are no longer friends!) Make fantastic chocolate chip cookies to cheer up or celebrate with “the kids.” (Kids optional.) Then eat the dough and a handful of cookies, too. Did you know cookie dough and broken cookies don’t count in your overall caloric count? (You heard it here first.)
8) When out and about at night running errands, say to yourself, “Oh, wouldn’t some ice cream be good? I could stop at Dairy Queen. It’s so close.”
Then, in the drive-thru line, say to yourself, “Oh, what the hell. I’ll get a Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard since I’m here anyway. Next time, I’ll get a small cone, but I deserve a Blizzard. Yum. Who cares, anyway?”
Then hide the cup in the outside trash can when you get home.
9) Do not underestimate the importance of second (and third helpings). Change into elastic-waisted pants, if you need, but do not stop when you feel full. Just eat a little more. And by little, I mean two more slices of pizza. Or three if they’re small.
10) At lunchtime, if you can’t figure out what to eat and you’re out of salad or bored with salad, eat a generous slice of pecan pie. Or two. Nuts have protein. Protein is good. Eat up!
And a bonus: Be sure to eat when you are hungry and–most importantly–when you are not.